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Beautiful Disaster

abigailscissorhands:

rad1calcunt:

this part made me emotional

*makes

(Source: homelshire)

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About

I cannot even perceive my own perception half the time, so how am I to explain it to another?

How am I to do so? I can tell you the basics, I can tell you experience, but I cannot tell you about myself, because I am different to everyone. I cannot tell you how I will be seen in your eyes, only influence the sight in the slightest.

*Sigh*. Let's give this a try.

The name is Emily, but everyone has their own name for me. I guess you may call me as you wish. Most refer to me as Pixie, or Mistress Pixie. (Long story, mostly an inside joke.)

I am a character of my own book. The book? Life, my life. The pages are the days. And quite often, it feels as if I am not always the author. Like I am split in two and my conscious is with my character and the author in me is nothing but a shell, a ghostly entity unconsciously writing her own fairytales. Lost somewhere between the pages, beyond my characters control.

As much as I question myself, I also do not. I act on emotion, everything varies, there is no one answer. I am multiple characters locked in this fleshy tomb and brittle, cracking skull. Still exploring and discovering.I live as multiple different characters and have yet to master the tricks and trades of them all. I do not know what I am to do until I do it. What happens, happens in flow. The only constant in inconsistency. I do not know what I am to do until I do it.

I'm the mirror images of someone else's shattered past; taking bits and pieces of their scattered lives and putting it together to make my own reflection. A girl wishing for her reflection to disappear. I'm a beautiful disaster, a definite toxic cocktail. A porcelain demonic dolly who adores playing. Playing what? Oh, games of course! Mind games. Do you dare to play with me? I must warn you, I'm rather sadistic.

I'm a queer having trouble staying on the straight and narrow; but, how could one whilst being caught in a crooked world? A girl gone insane or a girl with wishful thinking. Locked in a delusional world, hypnotized by fantasy and addicted to the make-believe to the point where she'll believe anything and everything and at the same time believe in nothing.

I work at Jimmy Pages unsuspecting van making Opium-Filled candies now, since working at the bar at Jim Morrison's thighs died out (we used to serve a great white wine!)

I went to Robert Plant's university for Lemon Squeezing, I was a girl with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair, and I spend my free days sheering sheep with Robert while he sings to me.

I am Pansexual. If you don't know what it means (shockingly, many seem to not know what it is), it means I will be with anyone I love whether they're gay, straight, bi, transgender, transsexual, male, female - whatever you can think of. But I lean more toward girls/transgenders/genderqueers.

My heart is made of sugar and ice. I have the mind of a killer and the heart of a saint (usually). One of the many contradictions making up myself. I am, in fact, a walking, talking, contradiction. I have a weird infatuation with serial killers - mainly Jeffery Dahmer.

My mind works in ways even I shall never comprehend, as I already said above.

I am an artist in many different ways - I guess you could say I'm a jack of all trades, master at none. But if I were to be a master at anything at all, it'd be writing. Oh, and I have a deep interest in the human mind so I dip into things that have to do with psychology. (And do little tests of my own secretly to those who are unsuspecting and trusting.)

Nothing pro yet, sadly. But I am on my way - I already am a published poet & and am working on my first novel. I also have a PR agent as well as other's that are helping me climb to my many goals in life.

I change day to day - with my looks, styles, music, etc. Being one way constantly is very boring to me. I feel it is important to be cultured and never restrict yourself.

Je ne suis pas pour le faible du coeur~

Restez avec moi et vous allez mourir à jamais~

I'm Secretive and manipulative at times. Mad as a hatter. Deceptive and cunning as the Cheshire cat. Caught in a dream world of my own gone wrong at times as Alice - and as curious. A ruthless killer of those whom deceive and anger me; doubt me or challenge me as the Queen Of Hearts. Childish, odd, and always telling tales as Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. A laid back smoker who is also rather cautious and questioning and can become a butterfly when she chooses to spread her wings as the caterpillar. And always in a rush to go from point A to point B like the White Rabbit. Constantly afraid if I don't get things done quickly, it'll never get done and it'll all be just too damn late.

Think of me like a pretty little loaded pistol; ready to blow when anyone even slightly tickles the trigger.

I adore androgyny - I am in love with it, in fact. Utterly obsessed.

I am in recovery from self harm and anorexia - however, I relapse very often.

I'm pro-choice.

I am an Indigo child.

I can act like a 5 year old one moment and a 30 year old the next.

I'm constantly stuck in the inbetween; between living and dying, between reality and my fantasy. All seen through drug-hazed eyes.

I dislike religion strongly - but that does not mean I do not believe in God. I believe in the possibility of a God - I believe in a possibility of anything - and that is where it all ends. I have nothing thereafter to do with religion. I like to have my own idea of what God is/may be and what God I hope is out there. Technically, I am agnostic. The perfect inbetween.

Now, obsession admissions.

I am obsessed with with Lord Of The Rings (it is to me what the ring is to Gollum).

I am obsessed with the word Queer. It is my favorite word and I have no clue why.

I am obsessed with Cinema Bizarre - mainly the singer, Strify.

I also am obsessed with American Horror Story (and American Horror Story: Asylum.)

I have many other obsessions. Some things just become insanely obsessive for me.

It's...it's a little scary.

Trust me, you shall learn them along the way.

I live in my mind, and reality to me is not but a nightmare. I am hell bent on self destruction, yet hell bent as well on power, success, happiness and love. There again, an example of my contradictory self. I guess you could say, I want a life as Jim Morrison, in a way, describes through his questioning;

"The movie begins in five moments, " the mindless voice announced. "All those not seated must wait for the next show." We filed slowly,languidly into the hall. The auditorium was vast and silent. After we'd sat down, it grew dark, and the voice continued: "The program for this evening isn't new. You know it through and through. You've seen birth, life and death. You might recall all of the rest. Did you have a good life before you died? Enough to base a movie on?

I do want to end up having a life you could base a movie on - or a book on. As you can see, I have a lot to say, and there is so much more to be told! I have many tales to tell and things to say. Rarely with me will there ever be a dull moment or conversation. So, welcome - to my Wicked Wonderland - one and all! I am your very confused, lost little girl. <3

Now, *takes hit off of hookah and crosses legs, leaning back into my comfortable mushroom* WHO. ARE. YOU?

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